Dead End

I think this was a playlist I started with a purpose that got lost somewhere along the way. It's a good one though from a couple years ago. I know I was listening to a lot of these on repeat on my commute to work.

1998 Jetta

So I've actually had this car twice in my life. Once in my actual youth and again when I was older. The first one got totaled when a drunk asshole almost killed my little brother. The second died a slow, lonely death in my driveway because I was driving four hours every day and I bought a sensible little Ford and never had the money or space to get my beloved Jetta working again. 

I'm not a car person but I really, really loved this car.

I imagine one day when I'm making the kind of money necessary to have a "fun" car, this will be the car I choose.

And these are a bunch of songs from those early days, when I had to pull over and switch the CDs in the six disc changer that was in the trunk, when I still had actual physical mixtapes I kept in the glove box. I remember one night, driving with my boyfriend at the time - an amazing post-punk artist type who could play every Jawbreaker song by heart and would read poetry to me in Spanish - and had a very self-aware moment. We were driving with all the windows down on a warm summer night, music up and not speaking, holding hands. I knew that was a moment I wanted to keep, so I let it permeate me, put down roots. I knew then someday I'd be older and different and maybe not with this boyfriend anymore but right then, I was so happy. And moments like that deserve to be kept.

What Lukas Said

I'm cleaning up my Spotify - it's out of control. I have over 100 mixes (I am not exaggerating) in varying states of completion and it's crazy trying to find anything.

Anyway, here's a mix I made a couple years back about a dream I had about someone I knew like 12 years ago. There was this band, see, that I loved called  Emmanuel the Florist. We were buds with all the members, Anyway, in my dream I was talking to Lukas about what I don't remember now, but I clearly remember he was saying, "Fuck what they think, fuck them all."

And in the morning when I woke up, I made this mix.

Come to This

Good evening, dear listeners. 

This is a breakup mix. However, before you start wondering who it's about... it's about me.

I broke up with an idea I had about how things are supposed to be. I broke up with a subconscious need I had to "get back to normal" which for me means some version of being married, because that's all I really know. I broke up with worrying about finding someone, about becoming less attractive with every year I age, with dying alone. I broke up with the bitterness of watching someone who said I was irreplaceable replace me within weeks with someone younger and fitter. I broke up with feeling sorry for myself watching the father of my children step into a new home life and pursue his dreams while I struggle through 20 hour days trying to make my life work. I broke up with guilt and I broke up with grief.

I'm not going to pretend I'll always take the higher road, that I won't occasionally have a little too much to drink and cry that I'm not strong enough for any of this. I will, however, always try to be a little bit better than I was the day before. More mindful, more determined, more confident. 

And I will learn to love without fear. 

I will.

My Own Best Girl

Dug this out from the archives. Yes, those are my boots.

Yes, I still have those boots.

Here's one of those aforementioned bleed-into-one-another type mixes. There's no unifying theme. There's no one event in my life that's dictating my song choices. 

I'm a navel gazer by nature. I like to think it's more that I'm introspective and thoughtful. That I'm invested in my emotional and spiritual growth and in order for one to evolve, one must analyze to understand and therefore change. But let's be real. I'm just fucking dwelling. Sometimes it will take me months or years to process something that's happened because I'm just really fucking slow. It'll happen in the tiniest doses on a drive home, late at night when the kids are sleeping, on my lunch break while I'm waiting in the McDonald's drive through. 99% percent of the time, the trigger is a song. It doesn't even have to be a song from that time. Sometimes it's a song I've never heard before. All of the sudden, whatever it was I was dwelling on, the memory or the emotion gets tucked inside a few minutes of melody, suddenly safe and sensible.

This is probably why I consume new music at a ridiculous pace. Why I need mixes. It's how I organize my memories, my thoughts, my emotions.

I probably need a therapist.

Instead, I have Spotify. 

Enjoy.

Just Get There

Hey there readers, it's your faithless mixtape maker here. I've got so many "in progress" mixes waiting in the wings, I'll try to be better about cleaning them up and posting. I tend to start a new playlist and then one bleeds into the next, the tracks sometimes repeating, finding a place in between newer, more relevant-to-my-current-mood songs.

I'm going to start with this one because I've been meaning to put it up here for ages. Work is a big part of my life. Not just because I need it to live and support my kids but because my job is so much more than a job.

I started out at this company as a secretary. I'm a musician and a writer by trade, after all. Before I went back to work, I was a stay at home mom who played in a band. I was used to not being in charge of anything, not even my own life. I could handle filing and typing and taking phone calls. So I did that for a while. I have zero mechanical abilities. I didn't know anything about boilers or piping or compressors. I wasn't interested.

And then I got interested.

I had some passionate, interesting, intelligent people come into my life who didn't care that I was a secretary and a woman and who couldn't fix anything mechanical if her life depended on it. I wanted to learn and so they taught me. I started taking classes. It didn't matter if it was over my head or not. I discovered I was organized. I could think through a project and manage it. I could manage people. I liked managing people, leading them and helping them succeed. Over the years I was handed more and more. We expanded and I was sent out to help new offices come online. I loved it. I was in charge of things and I wasn't afraid. I learned mechanical systems. I learned accounting. I learned operations. I learned whatever I needed to, whatever I wanted to.

Then I stopped being afraid to take charge in my personal life. I was a woman holding a position women don't hold. What was I afraid of at home? I started asking the same questions I'd been asking for years that I'd been thus far content to let go unanswered. The answers I got were heartbreaking. I started thinking about my dreams, about the power dynamic in my relationship, about my children growing up at an alarming rate who I so desperately wanted to provide a stable home for.

When someone on my team no longer supports the common goal we've all agreed to, we have a conversation about change. We talk about steps to get the train back on the tracks together. I make sure they know how we can get this done together, then I wait to see if they'll pull alongside me. Whether they do or don't, I still keep moving. Sometimes this means leaving someone behind.

My job is more than just what I do for a living. It's my family (in some cases literally) and my world. It's where I get inspired, learn new things, stretch my abilities, test my wings. I meet people who challenge me, frustrate me, teach me, change me.

This is the playlist I throw on in the mornings on my way to work. Some of the songs are cheesy, some are probs deeper than necessary but hey. You're here for the music, right? I promise the music is good.

Kjære - A Mix for Mid-Summer Anticipation

Guys, I'm not going to lie. This past year has kind of been the pits. I've been making hateful, stupid mixes about how the world sucks and we're all going to die, blah blah blah... I suppose that's what happens to people when they get divorced and deal with all that awesome fallout and then try to date someone who is actually normal and have that blow up also because you're a mess and shouldn't be dating in the first place and then somebody you really loved once decides to go and get married and you just kind of lose your shit and retreat into a semi-permanent state of self-inflected late 90's emo/pop mixtape purgatory.

So, I apologize for my silence but I'm pretty sure nobody but me was interested in my mixes that consisted largely of every song off of Static Prevails with the occasional Sunny Day Real Estate song thrown in for extra angst.

Not long ago I said that it seems like my theme this year is that I know it's going to hurt, but I'm going to do it anyway. I think the reason things are working out that way is because for right now, bad decisions feel better than apathy. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing but at least I'm doing something, I tell myself. I know I'm lost but I'd rather storm off into the wilderness and see what's out there rather than fucking wait on the path to be rescued. I'll probably get poison ivy and maybe get chased by bears but I'll have a fucking awesome story to tell.

So here's my story right now, as much as I understand it. I am enjoying a sweet moment while simultaneously fully anticipating that it will all go to hell.

I know it's going to hurt, but I'm going to do it anyway. Bears be damned.

1

Keep Your Hands in Your Pockets

Good morning lovlies. I'm happy to report this particular mix comes from a request for fall playlist and lord knows I'm a people-pleaser.

However, be ye warned, this ain't no crowd-pleaser. This is a lo-fi, meandering, pretentious mix of tracks that are meant to be heard walking through the woods on an overcast day. For this reason, I've kept this one short, to mitigate the effects of these obnoxiously emotional and somewhat depressive tunes.

It should go without saying I've been listening to this one on repeat.

Really though, autumn has been a notoriously difficult season for me. If something is going to come around and twist me up good and proper, it most likely will happen as the leaves start to turn. Therefore, I naturally tend toward some slower songs, a lot of acoustic guitar and bullshit.

So come take a walk with me in the forest. Keep your hands in your pockets and we'll both stay warm.

Niebieski: A Late Summer Mix

My dear listeners! How has your summer been? Are you as overwhelmed by the speed and variance of this season as I am? Are the changes swirling up like an evening storm and leaving you drenched but feeling oh-so-goddamn alive?

No?

Oh well. In that case, lucky you. Enjoy your sweet and placid existence.

No such luck here. I'm busy becoming my future self, living and loving and occasionally having the shit kicked out of me, metaphorically and otherwise.

Niebieski is my word of the summer. It's a Polish word. I have a dear friend, just barely older and wiser than I am and that is what he calls me. I try to say it sometimes when I'm feeling brave and he just laughs the way someone who speaks many languages does when someone like me (woefully inadequate in the language department) makes a fool of herself stumbling over the sounds.

I mean seriously, why is Polish so difficult? It hurts to speak it.

Anyway. Here's a mix for you. A niebieski playlist for a summer that's winding down.

More soon.

Girls of Summer

Good morning my dear readers. I've had an inspiring weekend. Made my living room pretty with some paint and rearranging.

Also made this mix. I keep a "junk drawer" of songs I come across that I'm really liking at the moment and I realized today that a good portion of them were female artists. This is a pretty big change from my youth when I was listening to largely emo and post-hardcore stuff which as we 90's kids know, was largely male dominated. It wasn't a conscious choice to listen to mostly male fronted bands (although I suspect hormones may have had something to do with it) just as now it isn't a conscious decision to choose female artists for my listening pleasure. Things just happen. Like this mix. It just happened this morning. Enjoy.

P.S. You may have noticed Sylvan Esso has made another appearance here and it's because I'm obsessed with them. Go check them out. The whole album is killer.

Summer Church

My summers are stressful as hell. Work gets crazy, there's a million social events every weekend... I don't slow down until September. This playlist is for my sanity. 

Good for: Long drives when road rage may become a factor, falling asleep outside on a blanket, listening at work when you need a few moments to daydream, and anytime you want to close your eyes and get lost in the moment.

Bonus: Most of this music is brand new so you'll also have a chance to get introduced to some great new bands. Current obsession: Vancouver Sleep Clinic.

Oh Sailor

I know I haven't been around. Life and all that. But here's a mix for your pretty ears.

I'm trying to get better. Here and everywhere.

Sverige är orsaken

I know it seems like I've abandoned making mixes but every once in a while one comes together on my long commute to work. This one is for driving, dancing and gritting your teeth when you're stuck in traffic.

Sverige är orsaken loosely translated means, "Sweden is the reason." It's a phrase I use with a friend of mine which means creating a reason to do something when there isn't really a reason at all.

So whatever your reasons are, please enjoy.

Poetry on the Dashboard: Spring Mix #2

As promised, here is Spring Mix #2, the one I would have made ten years ago, had I been making spring mixes back then.

(This picture actually is me, circa 2000.)

Now, this is not entirely accurate since, unfortunately, I can't find my Juliana Theory CD but be aware, there would have been some JT on there had it been available. Also, this is constructed from memory, which is flawed, so some songs might have been released in 2001 or something but... I don't care. I'm more about the spirit of the mix than googling a bunch of dates and other such music geekery. There's probably a lot I'm leaving out... Alkaline Trio, Ben Folds Five, Blink 182... But these are the songs I especially remember listening to when it was getting warm out, these songs were the staples driving in the car with the windows down.

Poetry on the Dashboard

1. Morning Glory - Oasis  
2. Lucky Denver Mint - Jimmy Eat World
3. The Swiss Army Romance - Dashboard Confessional 
4. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police
5. My Name Is Jonas - Weezer 
6. Chinatown - Jets to Brazil
7. Red Letter Day - The Get Up Kids
8. Crash into Me (Acoustic) - Dave Matthews
9. In Circles - Sunny Day Real Estate
10. Little Dipper - Hum
11. Mysterons - Portishead
12. Nothing - Pedro The Lion
13. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
14. Savory - Jawbox
15. Passenger - Deftones
16. Invalid Litter Dept. - At The Drive-In
17. crush on everyone - Onelinedrawing

Don't even THINK about giving me any gruff about that Dave Matthews tune, just thank your lucky stars there isn't more Dashboard Confessional on there. An actual mix from me in 2000 would have included at least three Dashboard tracks.

Ten years ago in the spring, I thought I had my whole life mapped out. I had no idea that by a mere year later, everything would have changed forever. Ah, spring.

Hey, if any of you all make springish mixes, would you let me know? I'm in the mood for new music.

Go Outside and See for Yourself: Spring Mix #1

Alrighty. This mix will come to you in two parts. First, we have a mix of current(ish) songs I'm digging at the moment. This mix is intended for windows down driving. Please take this mix with big gulps of fresh air and a generous helping of bare feet in new grass.

Go Outside and See for Yourself.

1. Moths Wings - Passion Pit  
2. The Loneliness and the Scream - Frightened Rabbit    
3. Young Sensualists - Throw Me The Statue
4. The Gardener - The Tallest Man on Earth  
5. I Am the Cosmos - Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson
6. Optimist vs. The Silent Alarm (When The Saints Go Marching In) - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
7. country radio - El Oso
8. Can I Buy a V_wel? - Into It. Over It.
9. Lay a White Rose - Serious Sam Barret
10. Bells - Hey Mercedes
11. Paper Tiger - Spoon
12. When I Am Gone - Sparrow House  
13. All Yr Songs - Diamond Rings
14. Keep The Car Running - The Arcade Fire
15. Under the Sun - J. Tillman

Mail Mix: A Mix for Stephanie

 

So, for this to make sense, you have to understand me and Stephanie. I have known Stephanie for longer than I have been friends with her. Basically, we each knew the other existed, seeing as our social circle is pretty much all the same people, but we're both shy and it wasn't until her boyfriend Nabeel (not shy) suggested that we should be penpals because we both have typewriters and it would give us an excuse to use our beloved machines and would obviously lead us to become awesome friends who geek out about all things mail and typewriter related. I gotta hand it to Nabeel. His plan totally worked. 

Stephanie is hands down my favorite penpal ever which is made extra awesome by the fact that I get to see her in real life quite often as well. Letters from Stephanie almost without fail will include a poem (or three or five) she has come across and typed up (not photocopied) for me to have. Sometimes they have little English professor type notes on them like, "Read this one aloud!" I am making a book of these poems.

So, obviously the theme is "mail," and now, hopefully, the reason for that theme is obvious as well. So the track listing is typed up and "mailed" with an air mail envelope I bought on etsy. I dug through my collection of stamps to find ones in denominations that corresponded with the track numbers.

And yes, I collected stamps at one time. Voraciously, in fact. I've recently re-embraced this part of myself that I'd lost for a while there. Anywho, all the tracks have to do with mail or the post office or typewriters. I was pretty thrilled to find that many tracks in my collection that fit the theme.

I have for the past few springs, made a spring-themed mix which I typically share on my other blog. I will again celebrate the coming warm weather with a mix and I will share it here this year because, I mean, this is my mix tape blog. It only seems right.

Excuses, excuses.

I know it's been a while. I've been busy, Christmas was the usual mess, blah blah blah. However, there are a couple key reasons why I've been held back from producing some new mix projects.

1. I haven't been listening to much new music. In fact, all I want to listen to is Joe Pug and Chris Bathgate. No one wants a mix of two artists.
2. I started my first group mix and not only can I not find the tracks I want, but the prototype I designed for the art was a massive failure. Frick.

So, here we are, blog void of new entries, me eating my way through a wheel of brie compiling my list of mixes owed.

A jolt in the arm was given to me a few days ago however, when my friend and letter writing partner Stephanie sent me a surprise mix which is comprised primarily of music from movie soundtracks. It totally hit the spot and I'm already starting a track list of a mix to hit her back with. One of the tracks, "Ooh La La" by Faces got me thinking about how out of all the mixes I have received, only twice have tracks repeated themselves. The aforementioned track was first delivered to me by my buddy Paul who made a mix of calming songs for me to listen to while giving birth to my third son. The lyrics, "I wish that I knew what I know now" struck me as both hilarious and awful when read in light of the anticipated events. As it turned out, there was no labor, only surgery, and the CD received multiple plays, along with a bunch of unreleased Meteah Strike tracks, during my recovery. Side note: I actually heard Paul playing this song just for fun at a bar with a couple of slightly inebriated patrons crooning along. Some songs just stay with us, I suppose. The other incidence of mix track doubling happened a few years ago when I received a mix from a friend with the track "Never Meant" by American Football, which first appeared on a post-breakup mix from my ex alongside other tracks such as "Radio" by Alkaline Trio. (The late nineties are unparalleled in their catalog of vicious breakup songs.)

As for me, I'm a track recycler. I will unabashedly take my favorite tracks from a mix received and include them on mixes I make to give away. I like the idea that I'm part of creating a web of all the people in my life who love music and share it with one another, connected by their most beloved songs. I love watching the journey of a song - hearing the story of where someone first heard it, listening to it on a mix, putting it on my own mixes and then seeing others share that same one song... there's something magical about that. Certain tracks are like precious heirlooms - you pass them on hoping they're treasured by their recipients as you have treasured them, and when you see your songs passed on, you know the connection was made and the real beauty and purpose of the mix is realized.

Anyway. All that to say, more is coming. I just have to get working on it.

I'm curious: What tracks do you find yourself putting on mixes repeatedly?

Anti-Apathy: A Mix for James

Made this mix for my brother James.

I made a book out of vintage graph paper I picked up at a garage sale this summer, using the techniques from the almighty How To Make Books.

I made a simple envelope for the disc out of some cardstock printed with braille. You can't see it in these pictures, but it's there and believe me, it's cool. I stuffed all of it into one of Tristan's bass string packages. (Trade secret: Bass string envelopes are the PERFECT size for a disc and booklet. Befriend a bass player and you'll be set.)

Inside was the track list and a story, of sorts.

 

I like books that are interactive. Things can be removed, put back in, additions can be made... The illustrations are part of the story but they can also all be removed, in various ways, without damaging the book itself.

Meet me, circa 1993. Rolled up pants? Check. Minnesota Timberwolves jersey? Check. Wicked cowlick? Check. And there's James, helping me with homework. Now he's all tall and witty and I can make him mix tapes. I like that.

If Only We Still Used Tapes - A Mix for Nate

So, I started out as usual. With a big mess. I have an entire set of drawers packed to the gills with... well, crap. Paper ephemera, odds and ends of things I've found on the ground, in garbages, things that have been given to me...

My process is usually something like this:

1. Rummage
2. Dump items selected from rummage on floor
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until satisfied
4. Start gluing stuff together
5. Formulate thoughts about how project should go together
6. Curse process
7. Finish project
8. Wash glue out of hair (Oh, my love/hate relationship with Mod Podge)

So for this packaging, I used a digipack from a Steve Burns (Remember Blue's Clues?) album which I painted white and then covered with sheets from a hymnal. I stabbed a hole in the center and attached the brad through the tag thingy. That's a vintage carnival ticket on the front.

I hand drew the little tape picture and affixed it under the tag so you could swing the tag up and get the rest of the title.

I tried to keep with the same theme for the back. Vintage carnival tickets, swinging tag, etc. Those are Joe Pug lyrics there. If you haven't heard his song Hymn #101, I don't think you've lived.

Inside was covered with more hymnal paper and a bit from Where the Wild Things Are. The tracklist was typed on a card and tucked inside the envelope.

Nate is directly responsible for rescuing me from main stream music. He introduced me to hardcore, ska, post-hardcore and my beloved twothirtyeight. (He came back with that last band on a tape he got from Cornerstone one summer.) He took me to my first indie rock show, protected me from countless mosh pits and will go down in my personal history as one of the most influential people in my life, ever. I'm really lucky that 11 years later, we're still friends. And he still introduces me to new music.

Thanks, Nate.

Resurgam - A Mix for Dustin

Remember that mix I was working on earlier?

 

Epic mix project: Completed.

 

See that there? That's right. It's a flash drive hidden in a hollowed out book.

 

I made a giant mess.

 

I took a copy of Jane Eyre and followed the directions here to seal the pages. After that was done, I cut away the pages so the flash drive containing the precious mix could sit comfortably inside Chapter 1. Library cards and pockets were ordered from The School Locker. The pocket was glued to the inside front cover and I typed the track list on the card... Finished it off with some yarn and a tag and voila. Done.

This was one of the most fun mix projects I've done - I confess I stole the idea from my band mate Ryan, who proposed to my best friend Jess by hollowing out a journal and putting the engagement ring in it... I was trying to think of other ways to transfer music files other than just a plain old CD and I figured for a special project, a flash drive was the perfect thing. If you buy a bunch of them at once, it's less expensive and if you're a hard core mixer, it opens up a whole new realm of possibilities as far as doing artwork and such.

So yeah. He seemed to like it, so I'll count this one a success.